The Problem of Can't

The Weight of Shame

I’ve always felt a lot of shame and frustration about my inability to manage my belongings. When I was a child, sharing a bedroom, my mess was confined to my bed. Once I had my own room, my belongings sprawled across the floor and my desk. Fast forward a bunch of years, and it seems that as I’ve accumulated more belongings, so too have I accumulated more shame.

I’ve frequently asked myself, Why can’t I keep my house clean? Why can’t I do what seems so easy (or at least manageable) for so many other people? Making the decision to get a cleaner in took a long, long time because I felt like I should be able to do it all myself (even after my ADHD diagnosis, which helped to explain why so many everyday things are genuinely difficult for me).

What Do I Really Mean When I Say “I Can’t”?

One day last year, I was journalling about this, and reflecting on what exactly do I mean when I say I can’t do this? It’s not that I don’t have the ability to do each chore. I have the knowledge. I have the skills. I have the mobility to do them. I can do the tasks.

But – I can’t maintain focus do every required task, one after another. I often struggle to get started, to transition between tasks, to stay focused. I get overwhelmed, distracted, and drained – often before I’ve even begun.

I could clean my whole house – if that was the only thing required of me. But I can’t clean and look after kids and run a business and take care of myself and … 

As I realised how broad the word can’t is, this framework, The Problem of Can’t, began to form.

The Problem of Can't

This framework recognises that when someone says I can’t do this, there may be many factors contributing to this. Often, these influences are not obvious, and so we often criticise ourselves or others for not doing something that is expected – and, perhaps considered to be simple or easy – rather than investigating why they can’t do it at this current time.

The 5 key factors I have identified are confidence, competence, context, conditions and consent.

Confidence: Do we have the belief in ourselves that we can do it? Sometimes, another person’s encouragement and belief in us is enough to boost our own confidence. But, often, there is more than a lack of confidence at play. For instance, I often say I can’t do something new when what I really mean is, I’ve never done this before and I’m scared I’ll fail.

Competence: Do we have the skills and knowledge required for the task? In many cases, these things can be learned. Often, an increase in skills and knowledge and practice builds confidence.

For example, I’ve had to learn so much in order to create this blog. I felt confident in writing the content, but not with the tech side of things. As I’ve learned the processes involved, and now that I’ve published a few posts, I’m growing in both competence and confidence.

Context: This refers to our environment or circumstances. These things are often out of our control. Our context could include our current season of life, societal expectations, cultural norms, our living arrangements. Our ability to do something depends on the circumstances in which we are operating.

The way we prioritise tasks and what we’re able to do will look very different when we have a newborn, school-aged kids, or elderly parents to care for. Our context influences what’s possible.

Conditions: These are elements within ourselves, which may or may not be within our control. This includes hunger, tiredness, hormones, mood, fluctuating energy, illness, injury. What we are able to do on one day may not be possible on another due to our conditions.

Consent: This refers to permission. Legally, morally, ethically are we allowed to act? Is someone else preventing us from moving forward or making a particular choice? Or – and this is often overlooked – are we giving ourselves permission? Permission to do an activity that feeds our soul … without guilt? Permission to do something badly while we learn? Permission to show up imperfectly and still be enough?

A mother might say that she can’t go out for dinner with friends because she feels like she should be home with her baby. But, if her partner and bub are fine, the reason she feels that she can’t is not due to context – it could be that she is not giving herself permission to go. That’s the piece needs further exploration in order to feel like she can.

What’s With All the Con/Com Words?

Good question. I quickly noticed that, too, as I came up with this list. Besides my love of alliteration (aka alliteration adoration), there’s actually a good reason why I was drawn to these word choices. I discovered this after I made this list, but it makes this framework even more meaningful.

As a classical musician, I have learned a number of Italian words, including con, meaning with. Turns out it means with in Latin, too. Each of these words I chose for this framework is rooted in the idea of with, or a connection. Confidence is a connection with ourselves. Context is a connection to our surroundings.

So, the Problem of Can’t is actually a problem of connection.

With each of these 5 C’s, there is something missing – a disconnect – which influences our ability to do the thing.

The Antidote: Curiosity and Compassion

With this understanding, when we find ourselves saying I can’t do this, we can ask What is missing? Why can’t I do this? This invites curiosity – investigating what is going on beneath the surface which is impacting our feelings and situation – and also compassion.

Perhaps the missing piece is skills. I can’t do this because I haven’t learned how to yet. It’s not that I’m lazy, or that I’m not trying hard enough – I need someone to show me how. Perhaps the roadblock is conditions. My child can’t follow this instruction right now because they are tired and hungry, making concentration difficult in this moment. It’s not that they’re being disobedient or rude – they have other needs to be met first.

Not being able to complete a task (or even get started on it) doesn’t indicate a lack of effort, or not caring about it, or some personal flaw. There are many reasons why we or others are unable to do something, and once we seek to understand those reasons, with compassion and grace, it is much easier to move forward. It is easier to identify a possible solution and move towards that – or, accept that the circumstances are out of our control and it is not actually possible to do the required task at this time.

Making This Your Own

Since developing this framework, it has become my go-to mindset tool when I get stuck. I’m still so early in setting up my business, constantly coming up against things that make my brain scream I can’t do that! 

What is it about this task that I feel I can’t do? Why can’t I do it? What can I do to address that missing link? It quietens the fear; it settles the overwhelm. It still requires bravery in trying new things, or vulnerability in asking others for help. But it also invites self-kindness over all the other noise.

I hope this is beneficial for you, too. It could be helpful to pause right now and ask Is there an area of my life where I currently feel stuck? How can this framework help me to see it differently?

Want Me to Share This With Your Group?

This framework can be viewed through many lenses – for example, educators, mothers (for yourself and your children), creatives. If you would like me to present this framework  – tailored with examples relevant to your audience – I’d love to hear from you. You can get in touch via my Contact page – let’s chat!

Let’s Stay Connected

If this post resonated with you, I'd love to stay connected. Let me know of any new insights you've gained, or how this framework has helped you. You can find me over on Instagram and Facebook , where I share more about motherhood, art and neurodivergence.

Featured artwork:

My Journey, Part 2, 5 and 6